Software Vault: The Gold Collection/Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO/cdr14/misc_hmr.zip/MYSTERY.HMR

Text File | 1993-04-01 | 9KB | 206 lines

From: [e-mail] ("Johnson")
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ??? Know any Mistery ???
Date: 20 Jan 92 11:01:08 GMT
Organization: Motorola LMPS Research, Schaumburg, IL
Lines: 32

A man is found dead in his study.  The door is locked from the inside.  He is
found to have died from a bullet wound in the head, and there is a smoking gun
in his hand.  How did he die?

Answer:
The man was a part-time Elvis impersonator.  On his way home from his act, he
was captured by space aliens who mistook him for the real Elvis.  They took
some skin samples for cloning, but an exhaustive DNA analysis revealed the error.
The man escaped, but suffered from memory loss due to radiation from the UFO's
gravitational drive, which the aliens were immune to.  Lost in the mountains
of Kansas, he was captured by a colony of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) who arranged a
scholarship to Harvard for him.  The aliens, meanwhile, sent one of his clones
to take his place in order to avoid possible detection by the authorities.
After graduating from Harvard under a different name, the man got a job with
a major Wall Street broker and made several million dollars in inside trading.
The bigfoots, disapproving of his activities, sent a hit squad after him, but
mistakenly killed the clone instead.  The aliens grabbed the body, but since
national newspaper coverage of the incident was beginning to rekindle the man's
memories, beamed him up from his office.  Deciding that he was too dangerous
to have around, they killed him by using a Mind Mush ray to destroy his brain.
To cover thier tracks, they cloned a new brain, reinserted it in his head, and
shot the reconstructed body with a gun.  They then beamed the body, holding
the gun, into the locked study to make it look like a suicide.

--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  "Johnson"                 | "                                            " |
|  [e-mail] |                            -- Marcel Marceau   |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Disclaimer:  According to my latest profit-sharing report, I speak for     |
|               a little less than 0.00001% of Motorola.                      |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+

From tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!sdd.hp.com!caen!kuhub.cc.ukans.edu!2frjscabby Fri Feb  7 12:52:45 CST 1992
Article: 15274 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!sdd.hp.com!caen!kuhub.cc.ukans.edu!2frjscabby
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ??? Know any Mistery ??? -- Examples Provided
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Jan 92 21:35:24 GMT
References: <oetiker.695562148@tardis64> <[e-mail]><[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Distribution: rec
Organization: University of Kansas Academic Computing Services
Lines: 74

>>Hi,
>
>>I would like to satr a collection of misteries. Misteries are small stories,
>>you tell at parties. And the public has to find out the murderer, or the
>>reason
>>for the sudden dead of some one. So after you tell the storry, the public has
>> to ask you questions, and you only answer with Yes or No.

I love these, they're great - especially if you're stoned and sitting in
Venice Cafe, in St. Louis.  (so I hear)

Here's a few more:

Fred and Ethel are found dead in a room which also contains broken glass
and water.

   Answer: Fred is a cat, Ethel is a goldfish.  Fred broke the fishbowl
       to get at Ethel and then he choked on her.
       (This one's great because you have to figure out they are'nt
         people and its also ambiguous as to who killed who)

The music stopped and he died.

   Answer: The man is a tightrope walker that performs blindfolded
       and without a net.  Usually, the calliope plays until
       he reaches the end, but this time something went wrong
       and it stopped early.  Thinking he was at the end, he
       stepped off the wire and plunged to his death.

The bell rang, he cried, the bell rang, he died.

   Answer: A blind man swims in the ocean every day.  He places an alarm
           clock on the shore set to an appropriate amount of time
       so when it goes off he'll know which way to swim to get
       back to shore.  However, on the day he died, he was
       swimming when he heard the first bell of the opening line.
       But it was a buoy bell he heard, and mistaking it for his
       alarm clock, he swam toward it.  He began to get very tired.
       He cried out for help.  He then heard the bell ring from
       the shore which he was now very far away from.  Exhausted,
       he drowned.

Passing by a window, you see two dead men in a room. Clues:A gun, a deck of
cards and some water.

   Answer: "passing by a window" actually you are a diver going past the
       window of a sunken submarine.  The two men were in a sinking
       submarine.  They had a gun but only one bullet.  Neither
       wanted to drown, so the played cards to see who would take
       the bullet.  The loser shot the winner.  The room is full of
       water actually, but don't tell them that.

An easy one:
A man lies dead in the desert, no footprints lead up to or away from
him.

  Answer: He fell out of an airplane.

Every day John leaves his apartment and takes the elevator to the lobby.
When he returns at night he takes the elevator to the 8th floor, gets
off, and walks up to the 12th floor, where his apartment is.

  Answer: He's a midget and cant reach any buttons above the 8th.

A man gets into an elevator and cries "my God, my wife is dead."

  Answer: His wife is on life support.  While in the elevator, the power
      goes out and he realizes his wife is dead.

I know there are more out there, so please post them.
There is one about a watch and an electric chair. If you can remember it.


Digger.

From: [e-mail] (Don Dillon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ??? Know any Mistery ??? -- Examples Provided
Date: 20 Jan 92 19:20:53 GMT
Organization: HP Santa Rosa Site (NMD MTA MWTD). - Santa Rosa, Ca.
Lines: 45

These are great, please post more since a group of us have been making
these up at lunch. here's one:



Q: Linda is laying on the floor dead. There is broken glass and a puddle of
water on the floor.  The window is open.  What happened.

A: Linda is a goldfish.  The bowl was knock over and she suffacated without
from being out of water.



-----------------------------------------------------------------
Don { Go Niners } Dillon

INTERNET : [e-mail]
HPDESK   : Don Dillon /HP5700/UX
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From tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!ames!ncar!vexcel!gps Fri Feb  7 12:53:03 CST 1992
Article: 15283 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!ames!ncar!vexcel!gps
From: [e-mail] (gps account for JPL)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ??? Know any Mistery ??? -- Examples Provided
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Jan 92 22:48:14 GMT
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Distribution: rec
Organization: VEXCEL Corporation, Boulder, CO
Lines: 34

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] writes:
>>>Hi,
>>
>>>I would like to satr a collection of misteries. Misteries are small stories,
>>>you tell at parties. And the public has to find out the murderer, or the
>>>reason
>>>for the sudden dead of some one. So after you tell the storry, the public has
>>> to ask you questions, and you only answer with Yes or No.

I love these!  Please send me the compiled list when you get it together!
thanks, and a few more:

A man lies dead on a field of green with 53 Bicycles around him.

Answer: He cheated in a game of poker and was shot to death!


A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.  The bartender
pulls out a shotgun and points it at the man, who thanks the bartender
and leaves.

Answer:  The man had the hiccops (sp?)


A man hung in a room with doors locked from the inside, and there is some
water.

Answer:  He hung himself from a large block of ice.


Didn't see all the posts, hope I didn't repeat any.

Tom.
[e-mail]